Monkey see, Monkey do

   There is one question that I find myself answering again and again here. And no matter how well I try to explain, it still does not make sense to Italians: Why did I move to Italy?

   Italians understand why people would come here for holiday: in Italy there is a beautiful culture, obviously nice food and weather. Things everyone can agree on. But Italy also have a country in deep economical depth which make the general living standard very low. And for this reason, people assume that I must be an idiot for turning my back to a country of gold and diamonds to live in the slum of Italy. 
I would like to dedicate this article to try to explain, once and for all, why I am not an idiot. Okay, that may take too long. I would like to explain why I moved here, by comparing Danish to Italian culture.This way, at future “job interviews” with people who does not want to hire me, but just want to warn me about the situation her, I can refer to this blog and this answer:  

   Culture is created by people who copy the behaviors of other people. Monkey see, monkey do. For this reason my hands have come alive down here when I speak Italian. My opinion on food and wine has gone from non exciting, to very strong and I now see the value in second, third and fourth opinions for even the smallest every day task. Of course we need to be at least three people to discuss the thing that should be cooked or the things that should be fixed.


Friends and social life   
   In Italy people are never alone. And people never need to be alone. There is no need for individuality if you can do things as a group. They are together on everything and this makes the culture ultra social and very welcoming. You have a friend in Italy when you have met the person once. Or even if you just know the same people. And you see these people all the time for a cup of coffee, or even for just a few minutes. And then you will probably see them again later the same day. A friend made in Italy, is usually a friend for life and most Italians still keep in touch with their old classmates, teacher or even x-girl/boyfriends.

  In Denmark, friendships can be years in the making. And even when you have a close friend, the bond can be broken at any point if things between you go wrong. Danes are experts in bearing grudges and most families has one or several intrigues and members that don’t speak to each other. So the social culture of Denmark is very much based on the premise of still being able to keep your own personal space and guard your privacy. You don’t want anyone uninvited to invade your space, even family members. You do not kiss people on the face, you shake their hands. You do not need five people to hang up a picture, you do things by yourself and only ask for help if you absolutely need it. Friends are there for you when you agree that they should: At an agreed time, for an agreed purpose. Usually the purpose is alcohol.

   Denmark is a functional country, but this is on the behalf of our need to structure and keep in line. Try jumping the line of a Dane and you will understand. This is why we function as a country like a well greased engine, but this is also why the culture can become quite harsh and cold. And why foreigners who have lived in Denmark warn each other on how to blend in, without pissing off a Dane.

Family 
   Family is one of the highest rated values in Italy. An Italian family provides both financial and emotional support to its members, which includes not only parents and children, but also cousins, aunts and uncles. For this reason, many Danes will consider Italians as too dependent on others, while secretly envy them, because only few Danes can come to their family for help, economically or emotionally. We have banks and psychologists for that and we consider being independent as a proud personal characteristic.
   Italians even name their children after family members. This is why, to foreigners, like me, it can seem like there are only ten different Italian names for boys and girls, because a lot of people have the same names. But convenient when you have to learn new names.

   In Denmark the level of interaction with your family is a personal choice. Based on the fact, that Danes from an early age are pushed out of the nest to learn how to provide for themselves, families are often only seen at holidays. Maybe for this reason, holidays in Denmark are, despite our otherwise very liberal country, painfully traditional. Every birthday, Christmas, Easter Lunch or wedding is the same drill of food, songs and events. Even going to the church for the first and only time a year. Danes stick to the traditions and will be upset if even small things are changed. This is the events at where the word “hygge” is used the most, to convince each other that we are having a great time. However if Danes spend more time with their family than just at holidays, it is because they truly want to.

Greetings
   Danish culture is a culture where manners are valued almost as highly as privacy. We thank people several times a day: The bus driver, the cashier, the teacher, the guy holding the door and finally every time someone treats us with a coffee or a meal. Thank you, indeed! And we mean it, every time. In the same way, we don’t ask people how they are, unless we have five or ten minutes to spare, listening to the answer.
   The Italians are sort of like the Americans in this way. At every greeting they always ask "how are you?", without listening to the reply. I’ve found that people get uncomfortable if I give an honest reply, and has now adapted my behavior to just saying “Bene, Grazie” I’m fine, thanks.

   Greetings in Denmark is, no surprise to our need for personal space, limited to a “Hej” or a handshake. Only close friends and family members can advance to an occasional hug.   However in Italy, greetings are enthusiastic and for a shy Dane like me – extremely physical, bordering to be abuse. It took me a year to start kissing on the cheeks, and I still don’t feel comfortable with it. I even have a “technique” developed to squeeze my way out of the situation, as the cowardly and socially awkward person I am. If you want to greet a Dane, bring a cold beer, don’t kiss their face.

Appearance
   Both in Denmark and in Italy appearance matter. But it is taken more literally in Italy as the concept of “Bella figura” which means a good image. In Denmark you can walk in the streets in you pyjamas if you want to because the agreed right not to be bothered in the public space let you be completely anonymous. In Italy people have outdoor-approved clothes and clothes for wearing at home. 
   Respect and formalities are a great part of the Italian culture. You greet elderly people formally and give up your seat in the bus for them. I got the dirtiest look from an old lady in the bus, when I didn’t immediately give up my seat on the bus, and spoke to her non-formally. As a Dane we are far to adjusted to equal rights that I am more afraid to offend people by formally greeting them, than not to.

Religious influence
   If you are religious in Denmark you keep it to yourself. Belive in what ever you want, but don't bother people with it. Religious believes are generally considered a very private matter, and for most Danes it is an indicator that you are slightly diluted.
   Religion in Italy is a matter of culture and many italians define themselves as Catholics, even if they don’t live up to the commandments or even go to church. Each day of the year has a saint named after it and there is a generally respect towards the church and the pope. In school children are only taught Catholism and usually not alternative religions.

Table manners
   Italians cannot be blamed for this, because they have the most delicious food in the world, but from the perspective of a Dane: You have terrible table manners! Which is why it is the most liberating experience to be seated at an Italian dinner. Food are grabbed with the hands, bread is dipped in the grease from the pot, and leftovers can be eaten at each other plates. While eating, Italians enjoy having the TV running in the back ground while having loud conversations, rather than turning off the TV and have normal volume conversations. It is a festival of loud and hearty enjoyment right there in the kitchen.
    At a Danish dinner table, dining is a much more delicate matter. Food is usually served in a dining room, not the kitchen. And dinner is a place for conversation and catching up on each other’s events of the day. The food is eaten in “heats”, which means that you eat a little, then take a break before you eat a little more. When you are done eating you are always offered a little more, but it is polite to refuse after maximum two serving. After the meal you thank who ever cooked, and compliment the chef.
 

   This was not an article on who’s county is the best. It is an article to reflect over peoples different consensus on what defines “Good life values”. In Denmark they are materialistic goods and privacy and in Italy they are Grandmothers Lasagna and constant company. My choice of where I want to live my life, is based on which of these values I agree on most. Now stop bothing me with why I am here.