Do you know how hard it is, to be funny in a second language?

   Three weeks into language classes and I am slowly (very slowly) gaining more and more fluency. But also more and more cockiness, so I have sent out my résumé in Italian and now I have a job interview with a guy who expects me to be what Google Translate made me.

   You quickly forget how difficult it is to learn a new language. I don't mean learning all the bullshit, and memorize a few sentences – but really to learn. Including the implications, the sayings, the humor and the expressions that just cannot be translated. Do you know how difficult it is to be funny in a second language when you only know half the words? All meaning is lost, and you end up having to explain the part that was supposed to be funny, not insulting: “No no, it was a joke..I was being funny!” and the other guy look at you with confusion and pitty “aaahhh” and try to fake a smile at this strange foreigner. It is very embarrassing for everybody. Mostly for me.

   Studying a new language takes you through a number of steps. Step one is looking confused a lot (smile and wave,boys). Step two is learning all the bad words but not knowing when to use them, so you just use them all the time. Vaffanculo to you all. Step three is making strange sounds, trying to shape the new words and sounds (I am looking at you rolling R’s!)
But the best step is step four, when you are finally being understood for the first time by someone who doesn't know you. Finally you are able to shape an entire sentence, without having to repeat it or give up and point. And you are being understood by this person who replies without even lifting and eyebrow. Meanwhile, you are overloading with joy in your head, thinking “I did it, I cracked the code!” and you forget to pay attention to the follow up question and you are back to being a foreign idiot. But that moment is worth all of the trouble. And the more you get of those moments the more you slowly feel that your disguise to blend into this new environment is working. They think you are one of them. And now you can even speak to them while looking like you’ve done it all of your life. 

  Then you run into step five of trying to make sense of the sayings. “In the mouth of the wolf.” They say. Or, “In the ass of the whale” To wish you good luck, but don’t ask me why they think those places should bring any luck...

  Before even moving here I set myself up to achieving some goals. Obviously one of them was to rule the country, but the first ones was to be fluent in 3 month, get a job and be independent in this place with one of the highest levels of unemployment worldwide. For some reason, that fact alone just made me more interested in achieving my goals. Even with a slow start of not speaking the language. Arrogant? Yes. But after two years of struggling and feeling like an imbecile at an edducation I didn't have the talent for, this is just the confidence boost that I needed. So rolling R’s and asses of whales, I am here to stay and I will make the best of you.

  
   Next stop: How to get through a job interview in Italy. 

  

To Venice on a budget

   There are some places in the world that simply must be experienced. One of those places is Venice. And I am not just saying that because I just went there. Okay maybe I am, but anyway. Venezia is a marvelous theatrical scene of narrow streets, beautiful architecture, cute little cafés and singing men on gondolas. And those lame tourists that are getting ripped off sitting in those gondolas. 

   But Venice is also a city that lives of tourism and the prices are often high because of that. A visit to Venice can therefore quickly become an expensive treat. But with a little local knowledge of the city (thank you to my friend Valentina) there is a lot of savings to be done. I’d like to share my ten best tips on how to experience the best of Venice, without it costing a fortune.

1 Travel outside the summer months. Venice is a city of narrow streets, so unless you dig standing in line for the entire day, visit the city outside of tourist season. In late February (after the carnival) and the entire month of March, the streets are a little less crowded and tickets are also cheaper with Ryan Air.

2 Take your coffee standing. There is a big difference to the price of a cup of coffee, depending on whether you choose to drink it standing at the bar, or at a table. A coffee at the bar costs 1 euro, while a coffee at a table can cost up to 4 euros. The same applies to food and other beverages – standing is always cheaper.

3 Enjoy the free culture. Museums sucks, and in a beautiful city like Venice you don’t want to spend your day at the Guggenheim (no you don’t). The city is packed with sights and cultural buildings that are completely free. For instance you can access the stunning St. Mark's Church. One of the worlds’ most astonishing churches (made of gold and diamonds and thousands of tiny little painted bricks) Inside the church there are also tour guides you can follow if you want to gain some facts, that you can show off with later.
If you insist to see the Guggenheim Museum, then book your ticket online before you leave home and save half the price.

4 Remember your student ID. On more than one tourist attraction, you will experience to get a significant discount if you can flash a student ID. I showed one that wasn’t even valid, and I still got half price.
Among other things, the half-price goes at the tower at the island “Giudeca” where there is a spectacular view over Venice. In the same church you can also see Jacopo Tinto Tourrettes original painting "The Last Supper” from 1592 if you want to be one of those people.

5 Lunch plus wine for 2 euros. There are several good and inexpensive small cafes in Venice, but especially one of them is truly an experience: The small family-owned cafe (or Birreria as they call it, if you can get beer and wine) named "Zanon" has a great selection of delicious sandwiches with both bright and dark bread (which speaks well to this Dane). Each of them costs 1 euro and if you want a glass of wine to go with it, it’s only 1 euro more. Enjoy the lunch veician-style, on the edge of the canal with the sun in your face.

6 Be a rebel - Ride the ferry for free. Gondolas in Venice are expensive (and stupid) and rarely pretty fast transportation. Instead, you can take one of the ferries. They are fairly cheap, but there will rarely be a ticket-control. So do as the locals and hop on a ferry without a ticket and feel the rush of a rebellion.

7 Juice-shots on the go. If you need a quick vitamin shot during the day, slow down when you are passing one of the many juice stands that are everywhere in the city. They will offer a small juice - or smoothie shot to the people who passes-by. They also sell more interesting kinds of shots after dark, F.Y.I..

8 Purchase a drink and enjoy free snacks. If you want to taste some of the local delicacies without paying for it, all you have to do, is order a drink. Usually they include something to eat. For instance you can try the “Venetian spritz" which is a sweet, bubbly drink served with an olive and some bread or chips.

9 Avoid the restaurants that wave you in. This is might be obvious to many, but a general rule, if you want to save money, is not to be tempted by the restaurants where the waiter standing on the street and try to wave people in. Here, the price is high and the quality is low. Instead, go down the side streets and get a little bit lost. Here you will quickly be able to find much cheaper restaurants where the locals eat themselves.

10 Take the train for half price. If you are in Venice for a longer period of time and you want to explore areas outside of the city, there is a lot of money to be saved on transportation. If you need to take the train, first order a "Carta Freccia". The card is free and gives you half price on all travels Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 11 to 14. If you want the bus, buy a daily card rather than single fares.

Only thing left is to enjoy the beautiful pastel colored streets of Venice, the flowers on the terraces and the life and the people on the grand canal. Or be really jealous that I just did all of that!

Status after two weeks of integration

1. I have learned the sign for “spaghetti” which means that I am now officially an included member of the club.

2. I still don’t feel completely confident speaking the language. But I do attend a course three times a week where I go and get confused over the grammar (DAMN you plurals!) and frustrated over the teacher who doesn’t speak a word of English. However I encourage myself to learn and remember to be proud when I manage to reply yes and no and thank you in the correct context at the few Italian interactions I have. Yes I WILL take a bag for my grocery and thank YOU for giving me my change back. Meanwhile I prepare myself in school for the day anyone asks for directions, for my name or for what color things are. I will be at the ready.

3. I have eaten a lot of stuff. A lot. And discovered, that my motivation for learning new words, is definitely encouraged by the ability of being able to name the stuff that I want to eat again. I want (to make love to) carciofi-ripieni.

carciofi-ripieni - stuffed artichoke aka to die for

4. Let’s dance quickly pass the fact that I still have not got a job here. My plan of ruling this country within a month is slowly crumbling every time I am rejected on a job-position because I am not Italian. And apparently I still can’t fake to be one, regardless of how much pasta I am eating. Luckily though, the Danish newspapers are more than happy to pay for my silly articles written about the “Inside of Italy”. So I am totally ratting everyone out for money.

5. I am yet to make new friends here. This can be a result of two reasons: My eager attempt of speaking to people has let me to insult people because I confuse “where are you from” with “yo’ mamma so fat’” by accident. OR I have an odor I am not aware of. Perhaps because I stick my face in the food every chance I get.

6. I have made my first gesture of frustration (which indicates that someone is stupid, and it is not me) in traffic, and for a moment I felt like a full blooded Italian. It is beside the point that the guy looked like he didn’t understand me.

7.  I have bought and read my very first Italian book. Spoiler alert – Mufasa is also killed by Scar in “Il Re Leone” and I still cried a little.

8. I have got an Italian phone number and said goodbye to my old, my first and my only phone number ever. Nobody has called me yet.

9. I have been more Danish than ever, sitting at the city hall with a number in my hand, faithfully waiting my turn for more than an hour. Then they finally skipped my number.

10. I have survived walking across the street at least twenty times without being killed. And have become slightly religious. Thank you Odin. 

Ps. I have also been informed that the best of two worlds have met in one awesome dessert that I have yet to try: Beer-amisu here I come. 

Easter for the Win!

   In my country we usually celebrate religious holidays like Easter or Christmas by brewing an extra strong beer. So to me the traditional hoopla I see i other countries over a saint or a religious event, is always fascinating. One in particular is my favorite. In a small, very small city in the middle of the mountains there is a very special annual tradition.

   The City is named Sulmona,. It's buildings are old and the streets are narrow, and walking though the city is like going back in time, 220 years. It is by far the most beautiful city I have ever visited. On the main square of the city, a market is set up where locals sell fruit and vegetables, or small decorative objects. If you look up, a magnificent panorama of snow cowered mountains is surrounding the city. I remember thinking, that anyone who has had a childhood here must be filled with this internal happiness. Because walking around in the city is sort of like getting a big hug.

   The times I have visited the city has often been around Easter. The Easter in Sulmona is very special. The city prepares for days and weeks and month for the 20th of April where a big theatrical show is performed by locals. They carry big statues of Maria and Jesus in a play where Maria is in deep grief and dressed in a black dress because of her dead son. But Jesus returns from the dead, and when Maria sees him, she runs from the end of the square, while loosing her black dress and underneath is a beautiful colorful dress. Each year a different one. White doves are released as Maria reaches her son and beautiful music begins. I am not a religious person, but this performance still chokes me up. It is beautiful because of the effort that is put in to this show. The people carrying Maria and Jesus, practice for years to walk in a certain way so the statue don't fall. It is a great honor to be one of the carriers. And the tradition in it self, I can see, is bringing back childhood memories for the elderly people watching it, as it has existed for so many years. The fathers of carriers can proudly watch their sons as the next generation of carriers.

   But one thing is the great show, another is the main part of any Italian tradition - the food. Of course the Italian Easter is packed with great food that you look forward to for months. The grandmother of the family have prepared her legendary lasagna. There is fresh fish, fresh cheese, olives, and meat. Everything combined with the seasonal wines of course. Are you drooling yet? You should.

The scary yo-ho

   This article was supposed to be about me starting work in Italy. But, first I would like to take  a bit of a detour entering unknown and dangerous waters. It will undoubtedly concern some people, and offend others. I am also risking the good reputation of this blog, if there ever was one. How ever this is a matter that has been puzzling me for a while.
   In a country that obey religion, a great part of the culture will be shaped in the name of God and those who preach his definition of the rigeous path. First off there is the common commandments of being good to thi neighbour, don't drink and drive, remember to call your mom, and those things. But there is also a number of cultural believes that I have learned about and that I still wonder about. Obviously it is the abstinence from sexuality. No toughing, no nothing, no matter how good it feels, unless you are doing it only to procreate (Honey, lets re-populate the Earth). Thus the rule says, that you can not be with women until it is time to procreate. But there is a loophole. Litterally. Because if you dig into the subtexts of this rule, it even specifies which entrances that are holy and which are not. If the entrance does not lead to a baby coming out in return, before marriage, you are safe to go. Get it? At least this is how many people practise intimacy, when they still want to be rigeous, but not so much that is kills all the fun. Now, I get why the guys don't walk the streets with signs of protest over this. But why, oh why would the young generation of women - with access to all the information and science in the world, agree on these terms?

   There seems to me a massive misinterpretation between the actual preaching, in the name of God to live a life full of love to others, and when these high reaching ideals is being outlived by humans, full of flaws and all. 75 % of Italians say, to belive that there is a God. And that this God is defined as in the Chistian Catholic Church. I am not saying that they are all stupid, but they are all stupid. Believes are based on old myths and stories created and modelled over time for some people to gain while others, and most, lose. Look at those magnificent churges carved in gold and diamonds and tell me again how the church prioritize the poor.

   The most extreme of religious myths I have seen recently is the Vagina Dentata (They also made a movie about this - totally top five must sees) A myth that tells the story about some women who are born with vaginas full of teeths strong enough to bit the hand of a full grown man. The point was to scare men into having sex with non-religious women and prevent rapings. But it must have been a lady with one strong squeezing muscle to have started that myth, back in the days. A woman who took the daily, tighten up your yo-ho, a bit too seriously. And the punisment - men get affraid of your muscular vagina and you get burned for being a witch.
   In what ever way this myth started, it led to a various of brutal killings, as most religions does. Mostly pointed toward the women of course, as there had yet to be reportings of a deadly penis.

   So the day to day practising of the catholic christianity is mirrored by this, amongst other myths. Just saying (while point fingers of you 75 %) I don't mind at all the practising of religion that involved food, but if you have ever practised sodomism (or eaten bad chicken in Africa) you will know that this is not a sacred place.


What is your opinion on this matter? Leave me a comment!