Things I still don’t understand about Italians

   Italians often ask me what Denmark is like, compared to Italy. The short answer is that Denmark is pretty much the exact opposite in every way. The weather is cold, not warm. We get drunk, you don’t. Our coffee is weak, yours can be cut with a knife. We stand in line, you attack from all angles.We have 24 hours a day, you guys seem to have 28.

   Anyway, recently I had a Danish friend visiting and I was reminded of all the things that makes no sense to a Dane at the first encounter with italian culture. This gives an idea of what the main differences are. Even for me, after almost three years of visiting Italy on and off, and for the last two month living here, there are things that I still just do not understand about italians:

Why do you worry so much about food? Italians can spend hours, days and weeks worrying about what food to eat or what restaurant to go to. Should we eat fish, or meat, or maybe pizza, or what about pasta? What do you think? I don’t know - All of the stuff is good! And it is not until two month from now – It is not possible to plan my hunger in such advantage.

Why are you so worried about how much people eat? I know that it is probably a thing of being polite, but the genuine look I get from people when I am just not that hungry, is true concern. Why are you not eating? You should eat some more. Guys – sometimes it’s okay to at least experience hunger.

Why are you not able to keep appointments? I know, I am being overly Danish here – but if you already know you will be 15 minutes or half an hour late late, just tell me. Why do you not feel bad about letting people wait?

What is up with the super hard bread? Why don’t you have fresh soft bread at the bakery’s? I feel that I am always eating yesterday’s bread.


Why do you take so long to say goodbye? Once we have agreed to split up, I just want to get on with my day and do other things. But every time we have to go through a long awkward goodbye-session. So where are you going now? Ah you are taking the bus? At the bus stop? It’s like you feel guilty for ending the meeting. Just say goodbye already!

What is with all the walking? Why do you think it is more comfortable walking up and down the street with no goal in mind? It is super unpractical to talk to people when you are walking at a line, and it always end up being the two people in the middle having a conversation. I am sick of hanging off the arm at the end of the line – let’s stop and make a circle so everyone can be included in the conversation, shall we?

Why do you hang all sorts of shit in your keys? The keyring is for keys. But you guys stuff it up with all sorts of things. Guys on the streets even make a living of selling blinking souvenirs for people’s keyrings. Why does it not bother you to carry around five kilo heavy keyrings?

I call him Claus

Why are there not more alcoholics in this country? In Denmark people drink the worst piss to get a buzz going and they still stay alcoholics. Yet, here you have the best wine in the world, and it is cheaper than water. Why do I not see anyone being drunk, ever?

How can you be so calm? I admit that I tend to be a bit impatient. Once I have set something in mind, I’d like to start doing it. Now! Right away! How is it possible to get anything done when it can all, according to you be done tomorrow?

Why are you so proud of dubbed TV? Most Italians prefer watching TV and films that are dubbed rather than the original language, because they find subtitles disturbing. That is fine when you are not used to it, but why are you so proud of the quality in which the Italian voice over is made? It still looks super weird when voice and pictures don’t match, people.

I would be interested to know what things the Italians just don't understand about the Danes..

Monkey see, Monkey do

   There is one question that I find myself answering again and again here. And no matter how well I try to explain, it still does not make sense to Italians: Why did I move to Italy?

   Italians understand why people would come here for holiday: in Italy there is a beautiful culture, obviously nice food and weather. Things everyone can agree on. But Italy also have a country in deep economical depth which make the general living standard very low. And for this reason, people assume that I must be an idiot for turning my back to a country of gold and diamonds to live in the slum of Italy. 
I would like to dedicate this article to try to explain, once and for all, why I am not an idiot. Okay, that may take too long. I would like to explain why I moved here, by comparing Danish to Italian culture.This way, at future “job interviews” with people who does not want to hire me, but just want to warn me about the situation her, I can refer to this blog and this answer:  

   Culture is created by people who copy the behaviors of other people. Monkey see, monkey do. For this reason my hands have come alive down here when I speak Italian. My opinion on food and wine has gone from non exciting, to very strong and I now see the value in second, third and fourth opinions for even the smallest every day task. Of course we need to be at least three people to discuss the thing that should be cooked or the things that should be fixed.


Friends and social life   
   In Italy people are never alone. And people never need to be alone. There is no need for individuality if you can do things as a group. They are together on everything and this makes the culture ultra social and very welcoming. You have a friend in Italy when you have met the person once. Or even if you just know the same people. And you see these people all the time for a cup of coffee, or even for just a few minutes. And then you will probably see them again later the same day. A friend made in Italy, is usually a friend for life and most Italians still keep in touch with their old classmates, teacher or even x-girl/boyfriends.

  In Denmark, friendships can be years in the making. And even when you have a close friend, the bond can be broken at any point if things between you go wrong. Danes are experts in bearing grudges and most families has one or several intrigues and members that don’t speak to each other. So the social culture of Denmark is very much based on the premise of still being able to keep your own personal space and guard your privacy. You don’t want anyone uninvited to invade your space, even family members. You do not kiss people on the face, you shake their hands. You do not need five people to hang up a picture, you do things by yourself and only ask for help if you absolutely need it. Friends are there for you when you agree that they should: At an agreed time, for an agreed purpose. Usually the purpose is alcohol.

   Denmark is a functional country, but this is on the behalf of our need to structure and keep in line. Try jumping the line of a Dane and you will understand. This is why we function as a country like a well greased engine, but this is also why the culture can become quite harsh and cold. And why foreigners who have lived in Denmark warn each other on how to blend in, without pissing off a Dane.

Family 
   Family is one of the highest rated values in Italy. An Italian family provides both financial and emotional support to its members, which includes not only parents and children, but also cousins, aunts and uncles. For this reason, many Danes will consider Italians as too dependent on others, while secretly envy them, because only few Danes can come to their family for help, economically or emotionally. We have banks and psychologists for that and we consider being independent as a proud personal characteristic.
   Italians even name their children after family members. This is why, to foreigners, like me, it can seem like there are only ten different Italian names for boys and girls, because a lot of people have the same names. But convenient when you have to learn new names.

   In Denmark the level of interaction with your family is a personal choice. Based on the fact, that Danes from an early age are pushed out of the nest to learn how to provide for themselves, families are often only seen at holidays. Maybe for this reason, holidays in Denmark are, despite our otherwise very liberal country, painfully traditional. Every birthday, Christmas, Easter Lunch or wedding is the same drill of food, songs and events. Even going to the church for the first and only time a year. Danes stick to the traditions and will be upset if even small things are changed. This is the events at where the word “hygge” is used the most, to convince each other that we are having a great time. However if Danes spend more time with their family than just at holidays, it is because they truly want to.

Greetings
   Danish culture is a culture where manners are valued almost as highly as privacy. We thank people several times a day: The bus driver, the cashier, the teacher, the guy holding the door and finally every time someone treats us with a coffee or a meal. Thank you, indeed! And we mean it, every time. In the same way, we don’t ask people how they are, unless we have five or ten minutes to spare, listening to the answer.
   The Italians are sort of like the Americans in this way. At every greeting they always ask "how are you?", without listening to the reply. I’ve found that people get uncomfortable if I give an honest reply, and has now adapted my behavior to just saying “Bene, Grazie” I’m fine, thanks.

   Greetings in Denmark is, no surprise to our need for personal space, limited to a “Hej” or a handshake. Only close friends and family members can advance to an occasional hug.   However in Italy, greetings are enthusiastic and for a shy Dane like me – extremely physical, bordering to be abuse. It took me a year to start kissing on the cheeks, and I still don’t feel comfortable with it. I even have a “technique” developed to squeeze my way out of the situation, as the cowardly and socially awkward person I am. If you want to greet a Dane, bring a cold beer, don’t kiss their face.

Appearance
   Both in Denmark and in Italy appearance matter. But it is taken more literally in Italy as the concept of “Bella figura” which means a good image. In Denmark you can walk in the streets in you pyjamas if you want to because the agreed right not to be bothered in the public space let you be completely anonymous. In Italy people have outdoor-approved clothes and clothes for wearing at home. 
   Respect and formalities are a great part of the Italian culture. You greet elderly people formally and give up your seat in the bus for them. I got the dirtiest look from an old lady in the bus, when I didn’t immediately give up my seat on the bus, and spoke to her non-formally. As a Dane we are far to adjusted to equal rights that I am more afraid to offend people by formally greeting them, than not to.

Religious influence
   If you are religious in Denmark you keep it to yourself. Belive in what ever you want, but don't bother people with it. Religious believes are generally considered a very private matter, and for most Danes it is an indicator that you are slightly diluted.
   Religion in Italy is a matter of culture and many italians define themselves as Catholics, even if they don’t live up to the commandments or even go to church. Each day of the year has a saint named after it and there is a generally respect towards the church and the pope. In school children are only taught Catholism and usually not alternative religions.

Table manners
   Italians cannot be blamed for this, because they have the most delicious food in the world, but from the perspective of a Dane: You have terrible table manners! Which is why it is the most liberating experience to be seated at an Italian dinner. Food are grabbed with the hands, bread is dipped in the grease from the pot, and leftovers can be eaten at each other plates. While eating, Italians enjoy having the TV running in the back ground while having loud conversations, rather than turning off the TV and have normal volume conversations. It is a festival of loud and hearty enjoyment right there in the kitchen.
    At a Danish dinner table, dining is a much more delicate matter. Food is usually served in a dining room, not the kitchen. And dinner is a place for conversation and catching up on each other’s events of the day. The food is eaten in “heats”, which means that you eat a little, then take a break before you eat a little more. When you are done eating you are always offered a little more, but it is polite to refuse after maximum two serving. After the meal you thank who ever cooked, and compliment the chef.
 

   This was not an article on who’s county is the best. It is an article to reflect over peoples different consensus on what defines “Good life values”. In Denmark they are materialistic goods and privacy and in Italy they are Grandmothers Lasagna and constant company. My choice of where I want to live my life, is based on which of these values I agree on most. Now stop bothing me with why I am here.